Most of us understand why it’s important to plan for the future. But when it comes to caring for an aging relative or our aging selves, most of us don’t have a plan until there is a problem.
Lack of planning doesn’t mean there is lack of commitment. On the contrary , we often avoid conversations about the future simply because we don’t want to think about changes in our own lives or the lives of people that we care about most. Like writing a will or buying a life insurance policy, contemplating the “what if’s”, particularly a serious illness or a loss of independence, can be downright depressing.
While none of us may be thinking about it now, putting together a plan for our future care helps eliminate problems both at home and at work. In addition to helping to reduce the last minute scrambling and family tensions that commonly arise when a once independent relative or friend needs more consistent care, planning ahead can also help to reduce the financial strain. And remember that it’s not just the caregivers who are affected. Without a plan those family members most affected by the crisis – the care recipients themselves – end up with the least say in their wishes and priorities for the future. It’s hard to imagine not having control over your own future but too often that is what happens when we don’t ask the important questions ahead of time.
The following brief guide and the other resources on this website are designed to help you and your family members begin to discuss and create a plan of care for yourself or an ageing parent, other relative, or close friend or neighbour. Don’t’ get discouraged if you can’t answer every question or fill in every blank. The important thing is to start and continue the conversation in a way that works for you and your family.
STEP 1 Prepare to TALK
But before you broach the subject it’s important that you evaluate your own values, responsibilities and finances.
So ask yourself some questions:
- Am I the best person to start this conversation? If not, then who is?
- What are my biggest concerns and priorities when I help to piece together a plan of care.
- What’s the best thing that you think will might happen as a result of this conversation?
- What’s the most difficult thing for you about having this conversation?
- What are you afraid might happen as a result of this conversation?
- What do you think the reaction will be when you have this conversation?
- How do your family or friends usually respond when uncomfortable subjects are discussed?
- How do you plan explaining why it is important to have this conversation?
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In addition to emotional support and advice, how much financial support are you willing or able to provide if it is needed?
Never make a plan or intervene in the lives of family or friends without their knowledge or consent.
This is important not only to protect the interests and needs of the person (s) being cared for, but also the caregiver could get into legal trouble if they do not have the legal authority to act on behalf of a family member or friend. Do bear in mind that even if a family has the best of intentions, financial institutions, courts and social and caring services are mindful of potential elder abuse, fraud and neglect, and so will expect proof of legal authority.
Understanding goals for the future
Your conversation about the future shouldn’t focus only on a care giving plan. You should consider talking generally about what is most important to your family member or friend as they grow older. You might consider using the following list as a starting point to better help you understand their priorities. Suggest that they tick all those that apply and then spend some time talking about each one in a little more detail.
- To remain as independent as possible for as long as possible.
- To remain healthy and active.
- To remain in my own home for as long as possible.
- To focus on a hobby of mine.
- To work for as long as possible.
- To become involved in the community.
- To remain as financially independent as possible.
- To take up further education.
- To create a safety net in the vent of an emergency or crisis situation.
- To start my own business.
- To buy a second home.
- To move closer to my family.
- To relocate to a smaller home.
- To retire in a different place.
- To travel.
- To be able to help my children and grandchildren.
At this stage you may want to complete our on-line Housing Needs Assessment in order to gauge the suitability of you relative’s existing home.
The Bottom Line
The conversation about future care needs and care giving is more than one exchange. It should be a discussion that takes place over time. It is never too early to start talking.
STEP 2 Form your TEAM
Chances are you already have a pretty good idea about who needs to be in on the conversation. But it dies help to list everyone who should and would want to be part of the team. That includes “difficult” or argumentative family members, friends and advocates. It might be easier to leave them out of the initial discussion but it won’t help later when it’s time to put the plan into action.
The most important – and unfortunately often the most overlooked – participant in the conversation is the person who may be on the receiving end of the plan. Barring mental or severe physical incapacity or other extraordinary circumstances, the person receiving the care should play the most significant role in the discussion. It might be helpful in moving the planning process forward if one person is designated as the “team leader”. You don’t have to vote on who the leader should be nor does the team leader get to dictate the outcome of the conversation. It’s important, however, to have a recognised person to keep the process going and to make sure that people agree to and understand the final results.
The Bottom Line
The person you are caring for ( or will be caring for in the future) should be involved and agree to every step of the planning process.
STEP 3 Assess NEEDS
Before you can develop a plan that hopes to work for everyone, you will need to assess your or your relative’s needs and gather together as much personal information as you can from important documents such as wills, insurance policies, investments, pension policies, property deeds etc.
Putting all this useful information in one central place will help avoid uniformed decisions and expensive mistakes later on. The various assessment tools and checklists to be found on this site are designed to help your team to begin to pull together the many sources of information you may need.
STEP 4 Make a PLAN
Once you’ve put together your team, assessed your family member’s needs, and gathered all the information you need to make solid, informed decisions, it’s time to sit down with all the important players and start to put your plan together. Keep in mind though, that you can never plan for every detail or eventuality. But if you have the basics covered, you will at least have a foundation on which to build later.
There are various ways to have your planning conference. These are just some of them. You can host a family meeting; arrange to set up a family conference call ( particularly if your family is spread out across the country); you can have a series of e-mail exchanges, which are a particularly good way of keeping everyone informed as things change. For the initial planning, however, a face-to-face conversation is always the best idea. Whatever you do, make sure that everyone involved knows about the proposed discussion well in advance so that there are no surprises or hurt feelings.
The team leader can get the conversation started, but no one person should dictate or limit what is talked about. And don’t forget that the person who will be receiving the care will have the final control over the conversation and the plan for the future.
After coming up with a plan, why not consider designating one of the team to write up a brief summary of what was decided. People sometimes remember conversations differently and these notes can be an important tool to make sure that everyone agrees on and has a record of what was discussed and who is responsible for what. But most importantly, a written summary of the plan helps to ensure that all the wishes and needs of the potential recipient of care have been considered and included.
The plan itself doesn’t have to be fancy, formal or long. Think of it more as a document that outlines the general “rules” rather than a blueprint that lays out every possible detail. Whilst there is more than one way to make sure that you cover all the topics and issues that are important to your family or to you, you may choose to organise the discussion around the key areas of life that might be effected by taken on care giving responsibilities.
No matter how you decide to have the conversation, the group should consider designating a lead person who will take responsibility for each area. Others within the group can then be asked to help with specific tasks within each area. This helps to prevent one family member from having to deal with too many tasks ( eg. the one who lives closest). Even if one family member is an accountant, an older parent may feel more comfortable having another child or relative look after their financial affairs. Often, older family members or you yourself, have strong and well-founded opinions about who they might want to do which task.
The Bottom Line
The family member who will receive the care should play the most significant role in talking about and assigning roles and tasks.
STEP 5 Take ACTION
There’s no doubt that it’s a hard task putting together a plan for future care that you hope will never have to be used. But if the unexpected happens, however, it helps to have the tools in place to deal with life’s complications, especially when they are designed to help you care for someone close to you.
The strength and suitability of a plan for future care is only tested when the plan is actually put into action. While this seems obvious, the best-laid plans are sometimes hard to implement or are forgotten altogether. When a crisis happens, it is difficult to remember a specific blueprint for action. And it’s always possible that circumstances and relationships may have changed by the time you are ready to use the plan. That’s why it’s important for the team to re-evaluate and perhaps expand the plan form time to time.
The Bottom Line
You should always remember that no matter how organised and committed you are, the plan will have to change as you go along.
