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| Daily living- Remaining independent in your home and community |
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As we grow older we face new and different challenges Most of us want to stay independent in our own homes and communities. In order to do this, however, we need to feel safe, financially secure, in reasonably good health, with access to transportation and to community services. we also want to stay in touch with our families, neighbours and friends. Information is one way to achieve these goals. Out lives are a lot easier if we know what kind of help is available and where to get it when we need it. However, adult children often worry about their parents' situation and it can be difficult to know if parents really need, or indeed want, help from their children. For your parents' or relatives' welfare and your peace of mind, it's important to have an open discussion about staying at home before problems arise. Here are some suggestions for breaking the ice: "What kind of help would you need if you weren't able to carry on doing everything for yourself and yet you wanted to continue to live on safely at home?" "I know that you've always prided yourself on being independent. I imagine that it's very difficult to ask for help. Is that right?" "I know that you're taking pills for your arthritis, heart, and cholesterol. How do you keep track of which pills you take and when?" "You mentioned having problems with your eyesight. How does it affect what you normally do - like reading or driving?" Give your parents a list of questions or concerns that you have, which could be about their current and future situation. Try and arrange a convenient and relaxed time to sit and talk about your concerns. Coping with resistance Above all, respect your parents' feelings when they make it clear that they want to avoid a subject. You may want to try again, at another time, and using a different approach. But, consider pushing the issue if your parents' health or safety is at risk. This has to be a personal decision, recognising your parents' right to be in charge of their own lives and destinies. Act firmly but with compassion if you decide that you cannot avoid intervening. You may be able to involve others, such as a third party that your parents' respect. Or you may want to hold a family meeting at which everyone discusses their concerns and perhaps develops a specific, mutually acceptable plan to resolve them. Investigate community resources There are a wide range of community resources available in West Sussex to help older people remain independent, such as home care, handyman services and transportation. Check them out. If it's clear to you that your parents' do need help, then you'll be ready to let them know what's available. What are your parents' own perceptions? Encourage them to talk about their current needs, concerns and worried about the future but also their hopes and goals. There are some major issues that can affect an older parent's ability to remain independent. Asking appropriate questions can help you avoid making assumptions about your parent's preferences. Where they live Ask them if they think that their home is still appropriate for their needs? Can they still manage the stairs or would they be better off on one floor? Does their home have safety hazards that need to be removed? Could simple modifications make it easier for them or more convenient? Should they consider living somewhere else? Everyday activities Ask them if they can get to their doctor's appointments without too much difficulty. Is driving the car getting difficult? Are there good local transport services for getting to the shops, local hospital and church and visiting friends and family? Health Ask about any health problems that your parents' may have. Are their prescriptions current? When did they last see their doctor? What did they say about their health? Did their doctor review all their medications to be sure that there are no possible bad reactions? Do they have problems in remembering what pills to take and when to take them? Money This is an area that is particularly difficult for adult children and their parents to discuss. You may want to be less direct than the following questions, depending on your comfort level. Ask about your parents' current and likely future bills? Can they pay for what they need? Do they need help in getting all the benefits to which they are entitled? Are their pensions and benefits deposited directly in the bank? Is all their financial information in one place? What about equity release schemes to produce extra income from the value of their house? Have they thought about how they might need money in the future to help them with everyday activities that they might not be able to do themselves? Do they have any bills that they can't pay? While you probably won't want to discuss all these matters in one conversation, they are issues to keep in mind and to raise as your parents' situation changes. You might also want to ask your parents what issues concern them most. Above all keep it positive Avoid role reversal. Talking to parents and helping them meet their needs doesn't mean that you are "parenting" them. The most productive interactions come when parents and older children are equal in the relationship. Be prepared to let your parents make their own choices about their lives, even if you don't agree with them. Your parents have the right to make their own decisions (as long as they are not impaired with Alzheimer's disease or other dementia). Growing older does not diminish that right. Even when they make what you consider an unsafe choice, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are no longer capable of living independently. You should also set your own limits as to how involved you can be, so that their decisions don't run your life. The bottom line: As people age, they would prefer to continue to live independently - preferably in their own homes. Talk to your parents and relatives about their situation so you can find out whether they need or even want your help. |